To Be Seen

Most of us by now have heard about the 5 love languages. Those of you who know of them may also know that the basic “love language” concept has been debunked (i.e. there are waaaaay more than 5 of them, it’s not research-based, they have been used in weaponizing ways for sexual coercion and a few other tidbits I won’t get into today).

The point I am dilly-dallying at arriving on is this: if I have a love language it is the act of being seen.

It is someone witnessing and reflecting back- through their words, their eyes, and their actions, the wholeness of who I am. Including the good stuff. In full knowing of my less-than-perfect humanness.

Many of us grew up in households with parents, who, due to their own trauma and own projections, were unable to see us as we truly were. This is an incredibly painful reality with some fairly serious and lifelong impacts. Our identity and self-worth are shaped, our sense of belonging is formed, and our safety system for intimacy in relationships (aka attachment) are all established through the connection with those first primary caregivers.

But let me return back to an earlier point: they were unable to see us as we truly were….

So my question for you is: who were you as a child?

Please, let me tell you who I was. I was a dancing, ragga-muffin, with scraped up knees from falling off my bike, a giggle monster, a creative monkey who used to build houses in the woods for the leprechauns and fairies.

She was a pretty special little peanut. I sure love her.

But because of her upbringing, school bullies and culture, she grew up believing some downright terrible things about herself. This is chronic, toxic shame. It comes from having normal, kid feelings and behavior shamed, punished, or outright ignored. It comes from being seen in the worst possible light and being convinced, at a cellular level, of its truth.

When you really think back- who were you as a child? And what got lost along the way? What messages got internalized about your “badness?” And how have the fears of “badness” infiltrated your life today? Are you an anxious bunny? A people pleaser unable to set boundaries? A perfectionist? Are you a chameleon changing shapes with different people in different places? Have you adopted a secret drinking problem? A binge-eating habit that leaves you spiraling into more self-hatred?

Sweetest pea- if this is you, I want you to pause. It’s not you, it was them. (and let me be clear, I have a huge amount of compassion for them, it’s their first go-round here on the planet too, and I do believe they were doing the best they could).

But two things can be true at the same time. You were not seen, in your own unique loveable self, and despite them doing the best they could, you were hurt. Badly, and in lasting ways.

So what shall we do about this?

It’s both an outside and an inside job. The outside job is to find your people. The people who see you as you know yourself to be. The ones you trust to mirror back your loveliness, to call you out kindly on your humanness, to act as a reflection of your love and of the gift that is you. If you’re having trouble finding them (because seriously, who has time to make new friends as an adult), prioritize it. You’ll find them in hobbies you start or clubs you might join. Maybe there’s someone at work you think is cool beans but you’re nervous about reaching out. Be brave.

The second part is harder. It is to learn to witness ourselves. To see ourselves when we practice love and compassion, to witness the ways in which we grind for our children and partners and friends and jobs, to celebrate our strengths and our passions, to do the things that make us feel connected to ourselves and our life energy, and most importantly, to remember that raggedy little kid, and dance.

I see you- and trust me, you’re magnificent.

Always with love,

Christina