What is self love?

Holy hell, this is a question. One I have prayed over, journalled about, and sat dumbfounded with (even as a therapist sitting with equally dumbfounded, hopeless, and confused clients). I have sat like a deer in the headlights in the face of this question. 

But something has happened recently as I’ve moved through my own healing and growth journey. I think I’ve figured it out, or maybe, like a puzzle, the pieces I’ve been gathering over a lifetime finally clicked together. I’d like to share it with you. I hope it resonates. I hope it helps.  

Let’s begin. 

Other languages have many words to describe the various forms of love. Sanskrit has 96, Persian has 80, Greek has 8. I’ve always thought we were robbed in English by the sheer paucity of words to describe love. But surely you understand the nuance: love feels different in each relationship and connection. To complicate matters more, the feeling of love changes in relationships over time. It’s not a wonder the concept of self love feels so confusing.  

I think I imagined self love as a glowing warmth, filling my insides, accessible at any given moment. I thought it meant total freedom from self-criticism and shame. These ideas have proven to be quite untrue, and on reflection, also quite unrealistic. Especially considering how love looks and feels in the other relationships in my life. 

What are we left with then? What type of love should we expect to feel towards our own selves? 

Premise One: I believe it’s Mother love. Perfect, unconditional, flawless mother love. *Real-life mother love will always be, at minimum, a little flawed and broken because our mothers (and we ourselves as mothers) are imperfect human beings.  

Premise Two: Love is relational. Therefore, self-love must come from somewhere. I imagine it’s given by our highest self, the part of us who journeys with us. She contains all the wisdom, insight, and compassion to be our steady guide.  

How might we experience her then? Well, the same way we all dreamed pure mother love would both feel and act: 

• She is soft, tender, and compassionate. Especially when we are scared and sad. She speaks with kindness. She uses terms of endearment and maybe a nickname or two. 

• She is protective. Especially against bullies, users, abusers, and any folks who might cause us harm. This is also true of our internal bullies. She does not allow shame and self-criticism to abuse us. (*caveat: under the safest of circumstances, she will journey with us to these dark places of fear, trauma, and shame so they might be released and healed). 

• She can be firm.  Her “mom voice” might even cause us to shake in our boots a little (although she is never unkind).  She’ll tell us when it’s time to practice discipline and to be responsible: to floss our teeth, exercise and pay our bills on time. She will let us know when we are being unkind or not acting according to our values. She will not bend on issues of truth and accountability. 

• She gets frustrated sometimes, especially when she sees us repeating patterns or making the same mistake over again.  

• She weeps with us in our darkest moments. She holds us when we are terrified. But she also knows, with the most steadfast clarity and truth, our resilience, our strength, and our ability to rise. She knows that whatever challenge we face, it was created for our highest growth. She encourages us to be patient and trust the process. She holds our heart with our own hands to let us know we are never alone.  

• She is wise and asks us to tune into our bodies for wisdom, information and then for action. She listens to the signals from our physical and emotional selves to let us know when there is a lack of safety (like when we need to get the hell out), when we have outgrown someone, some place, or some behavior, when better care and rest is needed, and where sites of healing need to happen. 

• She witnesses our life. She delights in our life. Especially those moments of integrity and grit others might not see. She celebrates our joys and triumphs, the hilarious and absurdity of the human existence. She sings and dances with us. She notices both the significant and the mundane. With her, we are never alone. 

• She nudges us towards our passions: to what makes us feel alive, present, creative, and peaceful. She knows intuitively our gifts and encourages us to pursue them. 

• She likes to have fun. She wants us to indulge a little and enjoy the pleasures of life (in moderation of course 😉)  

• And finally, the highest truth of self love is her loyalty. She always has our best interests at heart. When we screw up big-time, she forgives us. She knows and accepts that we are imperfect, flawed, and growing humans trying to navigate a brutal world, often with a backpack of wounds in need of healing. She is relentless in her pursuit of our highest good. 

She wants all the things mothers want for their precious humans. To be to be safe and healthy, to be good people, to love and be loved, to have purpose, to be happy. 

I am so grateful to have finally found her. May these words help you find her too.